Suzdal by the book

Suzdal.

Guidebook says: "Of all the Golden Ring towns, Suzdal is the true gem... (It) delights visitors by presenting an idyllic picture of Russian village life without even trying".

My Suzdal experience...

Have to buy bus ticket to Suzdal twice. So excited at somehow cobbling together enough Russian at the train station to walk out with a prized train booking to the next city, I ended up throwing away my first bus ticket to Suzdal. Cue much amusement for the ticket clerk as I gesture with my hand my ticket flying off.

Last bus to Suzdal is made up of me and a few local characters. After about an hour, the driver pulls over and stops in what turns out to be a lay-by a couple of kms outside of Suzdal. Local characters mumble and huff a bit, then one by one give the driver a bit more cash. Driver now has enough of an 'incentive' to complete the journey. Only problem is he continues straight through Suzdal and out the other side... and drops me off somewhere random, 1km from town, in a very dark street...

Streetlights are optional here, so guided by moonlight and a head torch I stumble upon the main drag - ul. Lenina - and, outside a half-completed hotel complex, a huddled group of security guards. One has a very useful looking map, but none can agree exactly where we are on it. Or where my hotel might be. So they call a cab, and after a super short trip I'm standing outside the entrance to my hotel, 50 rubles worse off. Always agree a taxi fare in advance folks!

Hotel reception is huge, with a vibe like a cross between a council swimming pool and a bingo hall. Totally empty apart from four or five ageing security guards (yes, more guards, Russia has a lot of them. Everywhere), three very young looking prostitutes, two bored receptionists who certainly aren't expecting me - or seemingly anyone else for the rest of the year - and one tired foreigner still wearing his head torch.

But I get the cheapest room they've got, and toddle off. Find my room, in the cut-price motel end of the building, open door and peer into utter darkness. Grasp light switch, give it a couple of flicks, still completely black. Toddle back to reception, ask for a room with electricity, then get escorted back to the same motel room flanked by biggest and least-aged security guard.

He flicks same switch, gets no joy, then reaches for the secret "hidden" light switch... 40 watts of yellowing light bulb power up. Light is strong enough to give me an outline of the room. It looks like it hasn't been touched since 1972.

Breakfast the next morning is equally fun. I arrive in a huge dining hall, completely alone save for no less than 7 greeters (and the mandatory security guard). Buffet affair, so I tuck in.

Just when I think this couldn't be any less like Russian village idyl, I realise that the hall's sound system is pumping out the Best of Sade cd at top whack. And I love Sade. All is right with the world again!

Check out of Weirdsville Towers, walk the 4km out of town to the bus station, glancing at a few nice looking churches in passing.

Not quite as the guidebook made it all sound, eh?